I didn't know things could get anymore stressful!
With my A Levels just round the corner, and a relatively difficult life at home, I thought this was all I could take.
But the stress just gets worse and worse, and along with it comes those unhappy thoughts about the past, present and future. The other day, I just realised that when I go to university, I won't be seeing my little brother whenever I like. I don't see him that much anyway, but I think he is what keeps me sane. I get to unleash my imagination with him without him thinking I'm weird. I get to be fascinated by lego star wars models and pictures of frightening monsters he draws.
This weekend I went round to Dad's for dinner because it was Dad's birthday and discovered that my little brother had taken time to contribute something towards the novel project. It was brilliant.
My little brother is an all-rounder. He plays the cello and can sing, is brilliant at writing and has a brilliant imagination. He's good at Cricket and Rugby. He knows everything there is to know about animals and just gets science (unlike me!). He understands things like atoms and he's only ten! He knows everything about the Tudors and every other bit of history and I don't even know the order of the different periods! He just got a scholarship and a 100% bursary to one of the top grammar schools in England, saving us £50,000!
But when I go to university, I'll lose touch. I won't know what interests him anymore. He'll start to fancy girls and I won't be there to coach him! He may not like history anymore and I won't know! It'll start with long phone calls about life at uni but they'll get shorter and shorter as our lives become more distant.
I need him. He is the only functioning brother I have. My twin is disgustingly rude and nasty most of the time and my older brother is away in the army most of the time. When he's on leave, it's all very lovely but there's nothing really to talk about. We have nothing in common. Now that I think about it, we never did have much in common.
My little brother is one of my best friends as well as a brother. He looks up to me and keeps me going because I want to show him that you can continue with life, no matter how hard it gets. I want to show him how to deal with school without being bullied. Just stay under the radar and try not to get noticed, that's how I do it. I worry that he'll be too cocky, thinking he's the most intelligent in the class, when he's not. The more intelligent ones will be keeping quiet.
All this depressing talk must be very boring, but it's what's going through my mind at the moment and everything that goes through my mind seems to end up on this blog at some point. I like to see this blog as a diary. But not a diary that nobody reads and ends up being thrown in the bin; a diary in which I can get advice and share my thoughts, and, perhaps, help others to realise that they are not alone.
Everyone seems to have similar thoughts about things; similar worries, similar upsets. The only difference in people is the way they go about showing it.
So with all this on my mind and A Levels I should be revising for at this very moment, things really couldn't get any harder. Right?
At my Dad's birthday dinner last night, the dog came in limping terribly. There was no thorn in her foot or surface wound but she did not look happy. We phoned the vet and they reckon it's just a sprain, but there is a chance that it is broken.
Now, I know this is hardly as big as my worries around my relationship with my little brother and so on, but it just gives our family more stress than it needs. With little money anyway, we really can't pay for an x-ray for the dog! Vets are expensive these days!
I guess I should be looking forward to going back to London tomorrow. I've never really been one for cities - they're took big and bustly for me - but I do like to go and look at art with Mum. It'll be a Mum/Daughter day out in London. I live in thick countryside so, for me, going to London for the day is almost as big as it would have been in Jane Austen's times. Okay, so we're spending a few hours there, not a few weeks, but it is exciting for me! Life is so plain and boring at home. Everyone thinks it must be heaven living in the countryside. In truth, it's boring as hell when you get to 18, desperate to get out and have a life.
Well. I'll report on tomorrow's exciting trip!