Saturday, 7 July 2012

Fear Has Caused Neglect

Neglect is, in this case, because of fear.
Yes. I admit it. I have been neglecting this blog.
I created my diary blog to give me something else to do and it turns out I must have created it because of my unknown feelings of fear and a bit of dread.
Truth is, I never really knew what to write about on this blog, so I did the A-Z and then talked about art and I tried to give some inspiration to other writers and I talked about books...but I never really talked about my book, purely because I didn't want to confront the fact that there was nothing to talk about.
Nothing was happening with my book.
So recently, I took action. I gathered millions of books from the living room downstairs which I thought might help me with the creation of the book. Fairy tales by the dozen, small books on insects, plants, birds and the stars; ancient Roman, Greek and Celtic myths and so on.
I envisioned myself being locked away in my room, studying hard on this and that.
Turns out that that is the stuff of movies.
People don't actually have to patience to sit inside and read and note all day. Or maybe I just have less patience than the people who do.
Now that I actually think about it, I realise that writing a novel is a much bigger feat than I ever thought.
When I started this, I thought it would be like creating my own fantasy world and then writing a story in it.
But then I became too ambitious.
I wanted it to be like a children's story with lots of hidden meanings and clever references throughout.
I now want to include each and every fairy-tale, myth and legend throughout while also adding in stuff of my own. But it turns out that that is not possible if I don't actually have the knowledge of myths, fairy-tales and legends.
My brilliant novel which is going to prove me to my family and friends is turning out to be a tad more difficult that I originally thought.
A tad.
It's a nightmare.
Where do I start?
The more I think about it, the more I freak out!
At this rate, only my research for it will be completed by the end of my gap year!
I will never complete this project in time, if ever!
Will I ever publish a book?
Will I end up looking like a fool to everyone who knows about my crazy ambition?

Breathe. I say to myself. Calm down.

Yes, I am the only one who can say calm down to myself, though it angers me a little just because of my associations with the saying. Anyone who knows me well will know that if they were to say "calm down" to me at any time, they may lose some of their teeth and find themselves with a purple jaw...

And then I stupidly decide to embark on another huge project - reading a book a week for a year. (Check my diary blog for details!)

Too much all at once?
Hmm. I wonder. Will any of this ever get done? Do I actually have the patience to do all this at once?

And I suddenly find myself with a purple jaw and less teeth because I've told myself to calm down yet again.
Will I have any teeth left by the end of this year? Perhaps that's why I recently got terrible toothache and had to go for a million dentist appointments?
M. x
P.S. I apologise for any serious over-use of sarcasm and exaggeration.
P.P.S I have changed my blog background because I got bored of the old one. It seems childish and far too colourful for me now. I guess we all change over time and I have grown out of 'pretty' backgrounds! :) Although I no longer like my title thing, I can't bare to remove it yet! It took me SO long to create! And I don't know if I'd ever know how to put it back if I wanted to!

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